My sister-in-law says we aren't involved enough with the baby

Side A

Original submission

breakfastfordinner

My wife and I moved to the same city as my brother and his wife a couple years ago and honestly having family nearby was one of the things we were most excited about. We had always lived in different places before that and figured okay, finally we'll actually get to be around each other more. They had also been trying to have a baby for awhile, went through IVF, I contributed money toward that, then once she got pregnant we bought a ton of stuff off the registry too. Not saying that like "we paid so we deserve access to the baby" because obviously no, thats not what I mean at all... I just mean we were genuinely invested in this whole journey with them and really excited to be aunt/uncle. So baby is born, we try to give them space, ask if they need food, anything, whatever. Then a few weeks later my brother calls me and basically says his wife doesn't want us coming over right now because she only wants people around who "get it" and understand motherhood. That was the wording. And honestly I was like... okay? I completely understand wanting privacy, being overwhelmed, wanting time with your baby, all of that. But why specifically say you only want people around who "get it" like we're somehow not the right kind of people to be around because we don't have kids? It just felt unnecessary and kind of insulting. But we respected it. We didn't go over. We basically stayed away for like 3-4 months until they invited us over for dinner. We brought a bunch of takeout, hung out, saw our nephew, it was actually really nice and I remember thinking okay cool maybe everything is normal again. Then we're literally getting ready to leave and my SIL says something like "it's just such a shame you guys haven't been more involved in his life." My wife and I both just kind of froze. Like WHAT? You literally told us not to come over. Not "hey we need a week or two." We were told she didn't want us there because we didn't "get it." So we did exactly what was asked and then somehow that got flipped into us not being involved enough?? I think I said something like "yeah hopefully we'll see you guys more" because I was so caught off guard and also didn't want to blow up at their house, but on the drive home we were both like did that seriously just happen. After that I think I definitely got more distant and this is where I know I'm not totally innocent either. Once I felt like we weren't wanted I got kind of stubborn and stopped trying as much. There were probably times I could've texted my brother more, asked to come by, whatever, and I didn't because in my head it was like why am I going to keep putting myself somewhere I'm clearly not wanted. There were also a bunch of little comments from her over time toward me and my wife that always felt passive aggressive or like little digs but delivered as "jokes" so if you say anything then you're the sensitive one. Maybe I was already primed to hear them that way because I was pissed about the baby thing, I can admit that. Months later my brother actually asked if we were okay because he could feel something was off and I told him basically "you and I are fine, I love you to death, but we're not too keen on some of the stuff she's said and done and that comment about us not being involved really hurt because we were literally told not to come over." He defended her and said she just "speaks her mind" and she's very honest. Which... okay, but being honest doesn't automatically mean you're not being rude lol. Then before we moved away we had a goodbye dinner and she sort of apologized and said "I'm sorry if I ever did or said anything in my pregnant brain that offended you." It felt very... vague? Like pretending she had no clue what she might've said even though I'm pretty sure my brother had told her exactly why we were upset. I just said "thanks for saying that" and kept it moving. I didn't say apology accepted or no worries or anything because honestly I wasn't sure how I felt. Now that we've moved I'm like do I just let this go completely or was that actually as backwards as it felt? Part of me thinks she was a new mom, overwhelmed, hormonal, probably wanted to be around other women who understood what she was going through and maybe we took it too personally. But another part of me is still like... you cannot close the door on people and then complain they weren't standing in the room. We probably could've reached out more too, but were we actually wrong for backing off after being explicitly told not to come over? And is this something I should ever bring up again if it comes up, or just let it die and move on?

The Jury’s Read

Your situation evokes a lot of familiar feelings about familial dynamics and boundaries. The room feels that while your efforts to respect your sister-in-law’s wishes were valid, the miscommunication and mixed signals from her created unnecessary confusion and hurt. Many jurors emphasized the importance of addressing these misunderstandings directly, suggesting that you and your brother could benefit from a candid conversation to move past this. There's a shared understanding that both sides contributed to the tension, but also a strong sentiment advocating for your well-being in this relationship.

Where they split:

A few jurors noted that your sister-in-law's behavior could stem from postpartum challenges, hinting at a need for compassion while also recognizing your own feelings of hurt.

Juror reasoning

kaedecopelleJuror

This is a tough one, and I completely agree with your take on the initial situation and her actions/comments. However, I think it could be possible that she was not totally herself postpartum, and her apologizing at dinner might illustrate that she realizes she caused a rift. Because it’s your brother, I would try to mend the relationship if possible because it sounds like family is important to you. You may never find her to be your favorite person in the world, and that’s okay, but now that you’re further away it’s not like you have to see her all the time. It’s better not to cut ties completely. I would try to mentally wipe the slate clean and give them another chance now that they’re out of the fog of new parenthood.

Like2

breakfastfordinnerSide A

I appreciate this and yeah the postpartum stuff and 'fog' of new parenthood as you call it make complete sense. Thank you :)

Like1

BakerJuror

I’ve had so many situations like this. People get very selfish once they’ve had a child and some are wishy washy with what they want (and moms dealing with postpartum). I would let it go and feel good with you respecting their boundaries initially and let the rest roll off your back.

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Rhonda_CarolJuror

I think the resolution needs to involve all four of you. Lay it out without assigning motives: “When we were told you didn’t want us coming over after the baby was born, we interpreted that as you needing space, so we respected it. When you later said it was a shame we hadn’t been more involved, we were genuinely confused and hurt because we thought we’d been doing what you asked. After that, I know we pulled back even more, which probably didn’t help. Can we actually talk about what everyone meant and expected?” I wouldn’t frame this as figuring out who’s guilty. There seems to have been an initial communication failure followed by hurt feelings and withdrawal that made it bigger. You all love each other and presumably have decades of family life ahead of you. Put it on the table. You can’t fix something you won’t face.

Like1

quietjuror0304Juror

You did nothing wrong and everything right. and when it was not expected of you. to contribute to the IVF, buy tons of things off the registry and then be told to stay away and once invite back to gaslight you by saying you had not been involved is illogical. You bought them take out and you put up with your SIL's passive aggressive insults. Her weak apology when you moved means nothing. Your brother was complicit. You are not an ATIM. You and your wife are loving good folk "who get it'. You feel hurt and want that pain to go away. Boundaries have to be put up. Invisible walls that tell them "you can and can't do this any more to us. We will allow this and not allow that". Only talk to them about it if you can get an admission that they hurt you, how they did it and promise to not do it again. Personally though, stay away from them. A zebra doesn't lose it stripes. You are great people. I don't want to see you used and abused. I wish I was related to you both. You did nothing wrong.

Like1

hxaJuror

It’s unacceptable to push people away, and then get upset or make comments that those same people haven’t been around as much. However, considering she had recently given birth, her feelings may have been all over the place and she may have not meant what she said. Ideally, I would’ve reached out to your brother (or a group chat with brother + his wife) and checked in after a week or two. Depending on how that interaction went, a visit could’ve been planned. Both sides are somewhat to blame IMO.

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My sister-in-law says we aren't involved enough with the baby

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