Missed my bf’s huge graduation as a specific type of first responder that he’s been trying to become since we were teens. He never told me the calander date of it, only sent me the zoom link. And I but his graduation on the week afterward genuinely thinking it was then. Love this man to shreds but ever since missing to log onto his zoom graduation he says his love towards me is now more conditional and that there’s been a weird feeling between us he gets whenever we are hanging around that is always there and he doesn’t know if it will ever go away. I’m not really sure what to do as for the past month I’ve been trying to give him space, show how much I appreciate him more, plan fun things for us to do and do them, I’ve been going to his work for all their events and charities, helping out his family with things , and also work on my own organization and stress. Btw before this nothing happened before. This was a first and I’m about 100% a last time thing. My therapist wants me to ask him for forgiveness but knowing him it feels like he’d see that as disrespectful to his feelings and inappropriate to ask. And idk if I’ve just been hanging around with him so much that I’d agree but I do feel like those potential feelings are very valid. He still says he feels weird energy between us and is still processing. There’s a lot going on in my life atm that is making me feel really bad already and I think he sees that so has been trying not to bring up anything. I feel like he’s been thinking about breaking up with me but isn’t doing it because 1. He’s worried I’m going to be really upset and not able to handle it (I definitely can handle a breakup. Things happen. life moves on) 2. He doesn’t want to completely part with me yet because he gets intense spells of missing me even when he’s upset at me and I don’t feel like it’s healthy. He doesn’t compliment me like he used to, he doesn’t want to be intimate anymore, and he’s taken back plans he’s had for us. He doesn’t talk about the future of us anymore and I’ve just been following his lead. I don’t want to be in a relationship where marking the wrong date on the calander and missing a zoom link means never trusting me 100% again. I reread his letters saying how I’m his rock and all this shit and now I’m just here thinking how could I hurt someone I love this much this way? Don’t get me wrong, I’m still so sad about missing it and there’s no other side of that. I just don’t know what to do now. My mom literally sent me an article over email about toxic relationships and has been telling me the whole family wants him out of my life already. I don’t feel like I can break up though because ultimately I was the one who fucked up and the best thing I can do is to show it won’t happen again by being there every time in the future. Every time I mention my current feelings about it I end up crying and it makes me feel like I’m coming off as manipulative to make him feel bad for me but honestly I’m just stuck and conflicted.